A while ago I asked a question of the #ActuallyAutistic and #ADHD communities on my old Fosstodon account and got some pretty good feedback, so now that I'm back in my regular fedi home, I figured I'd do so again (as before, boosts welcome).
I find that when something is stressing me out, I'll obsess over it until I've either solved the problem or it overwhelms me to a point where I need to completely disengage (at least for a time). Often when this happens, loved ones will notice my distress and try to help in the form of asking questions or making suggestions. The problem is that if I'm in problem-solving mode it derails my train of thought, and if I'm in "disengage" mode it prevents me from... well, disengaging.
This frequently results in me responding in ways that are... unpleasant for all persons involved. I've identified this as a problem and am trying to find better ways of handling such situations, but it's easier said than done. Has anyone else experienced this? Are there any good strategies for dealing with it?
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Kevin Davy
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Jonathan Lamothe
in reply to Kevin Davy • •@Kevin Davy My partner and I have been through a lot together. We've gotten good at talking things out. It was actually with her help that I was able to work out more precisely why I was getting so seemingly irrationally upset.
Now I'm just working out what to do about it.
Kevin Davy
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Zoi und Einhorn
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F4GRX Sébastien
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Cali Spera
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I have no solutions
The idea would be if your loved ones were aware of what adhd is
I can say that I disengage too
And it's not negotiable
stateful being
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stateful being
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stateful being
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Jonathan Lamothe
in reply to stateful being • •@loose cannon I hadn't considered that, nor in fact did I realize it was a thing to consider.
The most recent example was when this server failed. It's actually what prompted me to start asking. In addition to being a fedi server, it also runs a bunch of other services I depend on: calendar, file synchronization, contacts, to-do list, etc. All stuff I use to make navigating everyday life possible. Took me four days to fix (should've taken two, but I had to keep taking mental health breaks).
This was an extreme example, but it usually happens when something disrupts my regular routine, like losing my phone or keys.
Jonathan Lamothe
in reply to Jonathan Lamothe • •stateful being
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Home is a very specific environment. The need for home is the need to have things comfortably under control.
For you this means fixing disruptions as they arise. For some people else it can mean maintaining continuity in the face of any disruption, etc. In principle, I can see their point - after all, the truly tragic things in life are the ones that *can't* be fixed even by exuberant effort.
stateful being
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But let's say there's an important logistical disruption that needs fixing, that is completely up to you, and someone comes along to disrupts that while ostensibly trying to help? Yeah that can be pretty annoying.
Sometimes people perform "trying to help" as a form of commiseration, because they need to signal that even if they can't find the keys or fix the server, they are there for you and can help with other things.
stateful being
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stateful being
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Jonathan Lamothe
in reply to stateful being • •Shae Erisson
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Digit
in reply to Jonathan Lamothe • • •alas, the people i used to call my parents, dont get this AT ALL,
psychopathic narcissistic mother, is my current best-fit theory, in absence of sense of distress in others, absence of concern for dire consequences, absence of introspection and in introspection's place is projecting...
tries to help sounds good... if only it were real and competent and attentive to the real needs, not the imagined one-size-fits-all inconveniences and harms.
even as i was being pushed into deepening burnout and suffering so immensely, i envied gregor samsa's lot, and they still persisted...
yeah.
orion kelly's vids have been helping me the most with that.
youtube.com/@orionkelly/videos
"... all about validation for people with autism and their loved ones" or however he puts it.
Orion Kelly - That Autistic Guy
YouTube