@autistics I'm going to write here about how I struggle to manage my spoons (energy spent throughout the day; see also "spoon theory") and the difficulties for us #neurodiverse people to survive and maybe thrive in a society that expects so much.
I’m not writing any of this to vent. Ultimately, near the end, I'm asking y'all to compare notes with me.
After decades as a software developer, I became a manager in Tech. It was my choice. At the time, I knew I was #actuallyadhd but had not yet been also diagnosed as #actuallyautistic. I had personally experienced mistreatment by egotistical and at times egomaniacal bosses. I'd seen my coworkers experience same. I suspected I could treat people with more compassion while getting the job done.
Things that ate my energy included:
- Meeting individually with my people were sacred to me. However, these meetings were very high in emotional labor. I did my best to be present for them through whatever they were sharing, offering coaching and mentoring where I could, referring out for what I couldn't, and also being a shoulder to cry on when needed.
- Group meetings with fellow managers and higher-ups. I felt more anxiety in these meetings. Really, anything involving "managing up" (meaning: dealing with "superiors"). While I did my best to collaborate, I felt a keener need to look for cues of threat in these interactions. More exhaustion.
- Finding time to do the paperwork. There's *always* paperwork. It takes effort, time, and even, sometimes, concentration. This would range between writing long term plans (lots of systems and strategic thinking) and lots of red-tape (my #actuallyaudhd interpretation of work that often seemed like a waste of time but required by the "organization").
Meetings required intense masking. In the corporate world, these days, there seems to be this expectation that managers all present as mini-Steve Jobs. We're expected to always appear composed. We're always supposed to show up, in group settings, as empathetic. In nearly all meetings, particularly with "reports" (people who work for us), we're coached to show up as kind yet, perversely, somewhat aloof; after all, we're in these meetings to "coach" and "mentor" as well where people aren't "meeting expectations" (also, more positively, to support high achievers when we see that they can excel even further).
It was, to say the least, a struggle.
So more to the point:
I survived and even thrived, for a time, largely by my managing my spoons. I started doing this deliberately, just to get through each day on the job. However, at the time, I wasn't seeing this as "spoons" so much as judging my ability to be *mentally aware and present* to perform a given task or function in a meeting. I was methodical in my process for managing my energy.
But I was only able to do this while on the job. Somehow, it was easier to force (mostly) consistent structure onto myself when it was for pay. But, also, once my work day was done, I was done. My life outside of work? A wreck. At the end of almost every day, I was stick-a-fork-in-me level of crispy. I had nothing left to give to anyone including myself.
Ultimately, all of this structure collapsed. I collapsed. Then I quit. I struggled through the autistic burnout I'd accumulated over years. Now, I'm unemployed and figuring out WTF to do with myself.
I'm just starting to show signs of recovering.
Now, on days when I want to do chores, I try to consider my spoons. I realize now that there are far less than I had been spending during all of those years of employment (leading into autistic burnout). Now, I plan maybe 1-3 significant chores, attempting to prioritize by both urgency and importance axes.
Having established a lot of context, onto the notes comparison request:
I imagine most of y'all are aware of your finite daily spoons (again, see: spoon theory)? Do any of y'all plan around your spoons? For taxing activities/events, do you find yourself reserving spoons earlier in the day? Maybe also the day before? Do you deliberately plan to go into debt, requiring recovery time the same day? Maybe the day after? Maybe even a few days after?
Do you take care of yourself similarly? Does it make life more comfortable? Less?
If you're employed, do you do anything like this as part of employment (something I'm mulling returning to versus self-employment)?
Really curious to hear about your experiences.
