A couple of posts today made me think about the connection between masking and imposter syndrome, especially for those of us who have realised late that we are autistic. I have long believed that there are essentially two aspects to the way that we masked. Masking ourselves from the world and masking ourselves from ourselves and that both of these contributed to being able to stay below the radar of realising what we were for so long. But, perhaps, the most important one, was not the face we showed the world, mostly because I doubt if that was ever as good as we thought it was, but the mirror we learnt to see ourselves in.
That internal masking of ourselves can take many forms.
I thought it was just me.
But, everyone does it this way.
No one else is bothered, or even seems to be noticing. I must be just imagining it, or too sensitive. It can't be real.
I've tried talking about it, but no one took me seriously, they thought I was joking. It's obviously just me. I really must be broken, or mad.
I can't see myself anywhere, I can't be right.
I can't be this way, no one else is.
I must be wrong.
And so much else...
So much of it is denial and disbelieve, as much as anything, and it doesn't go away once we begin to realise the truth. It doesn't magically lose its power. It has to be faced and defeated as a deliberate act of de-masking, that, perhaps, never really ends, because we've carried and tended to it for too long. And, all the time, it is a voice of doubt and so-called reason in our minds that can fuel our imposter syndrome. That can make us doubt our journey, our revelations, our truth. Because that was always its job. It is the reason we created it. To mask ourselves from the truth. Because, it wasn't the truth we saw, or were able to accept.
This isn't to say, by any means, that it is the only bone our imposter syndrome will chew on. But, for those of us who are late realising our truth, it is perhaps a particularly meaty one. Because it has been with us for so long, our only answer to the darkness we lived in and the only world we could see.
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Haven't had McDonald's in a while, but Katy wanted it, so we got some. As a diabetic, my drink options are limited, but I opted for a sugar free cold brew coffee.
I'm shocked at how much I enjoyed it. I think I might actually like it better than the stuff I make at home. I'm kinda mad about it, actually. 🙃
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@silverwizard @Kevin Davy I get a specific brand of beans from Costco (don't remember the name but recognise the bag when I see it) and fresh grind them. I'm fortunate in that our tap water seems pretty good just on its own for hardness and so forth. The rest is just about the consistency of the measurements. (It was actually at your suggestion a while ago I started using a kitchen scale.)
I don't know that it's the best coffee in the world but given that pre-made cold brew is generally expensive and rather hit-and-miss for me, and this produces what I deem to be a consistently good cup of coffee at a fraction of the price, I've deemed it Good Enough for Me™.
@silverwizard Also, the recipe I adapted mine from said that a pitcher would keep in the fridge for up to two weeks. At first, I had no reason to doubt this because it never lasted me that long anyway.
I've since had to moderate my caffeine intake, and have learned to make less at a time because the quality seems to degrade a bit after about a week.
@Jonathan Lamothe I've made coldbrew based on your video on it, so good full circle!
Yeah, that's shocking. I find coldbrew does better sweet than a lot - was it that it had a solid creamer you're missing out in? I use a squirt of stevia syrup these days (for complex reasons invovling too much stevia)
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it’s responsible to the shareholders.
Put enough pressure on clinicians that they can’t keep up without compromising and using AI. Fire the ones who lag behind. When malpractice hits the remaining ones, oops, not our problem, no payout, no premium increase.
Medicine has too many administrators and C levels at the wheel.
adhd special move: the lighthouse
standing in one place and spinning, looking for the thing that was just in your hand
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#OpenSCAD question:
if in wanted to emboss text around the outer rounded edge of a cylinder, how would I go about doing that? I don't know how to transform an object on a curve like that.
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shapes3d.scad
The Belfry OpenScad Library, v2.0. An OpenSCAD library of shapes, masks, and manipulators to make working with OpenSCAD easier. BETA - BelfrySCAD/BOSL2GitHub
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So, I've been getting reasonably decent with #OpenSCAD. I've debated opening an Etsy store, but I don't own a #3DPrinter. While I do have access to a couple for personal projects, I have nothing that would be suitable for commercial use, nor do I have the seed money to buy one.
One of the services I'm thinking of offering in the interim is creating custom STL files for people based on a rough sketch or photo, but I don't know if that would be a viable thing.
Is that a thing anyone here would have interest in?
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My opinion of ducks (rubber and living) increases every day. XD
Pretty sure I've had a more enjoyable conversation with an actual living quacker than an LLM, particularly an LLM stan. XD
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I can't draw analogies like this. When I learned to program, it was by reading hundreds of printed man pages for TI-BASIC and MS-DOS. I have little hope that a 5yr old from today would do the same. I think if I didn't know how to program and had to learn that way today, I might not.
The old ways are not the new ways, and they aren't even that sacred. They are just barely the known.
@BoydStephenSmithJr I think back in the day, you still had a chance to stumble upon someplace decent to start. You could be browsing the library and come across something like "Beginning C64 BASIC programming" or "How to tell the computer what to do" and they had a good chance of being half-way decent starting points.
You also need intellectual curiosity. That spark that goes "can I make the machine do this?" or "what happens if I do that instead?". That in turn requires feeling *safe*.
@mkj I think if you have the intellectual curiosity you can still get started from most computers by using the JS console.
But, I haven't checked to see how locked down many iOS devices are now.
The TI PC was hard to get started, but once booted it wasn't locked down at all.
Went to a large grocery store and waitied in the parking lot with a book for a few hours hoping to pick up an Instacart order. Didn't get one, but as I tried to start the car to go home, I found that I'd left the lights on and the battery's dead.
Waiting on my father to show up with jumper cables, but at least I'm not so upset about not getting an order. Would've sucked to find the battery dead when I tried to deliver it...
"It does not appear that he (Edgar Allan Poe) ever wrote or spoke of it, nor is there any evidence that he even noticed it. And yet that house, to the two persons in possession of certain information, equals or outranks in horror the wildest phantasy of the genius who so often passed it unknowingly, and stands starkly leering as a symbol of all that is unutterably hideous."
— H.P. Lovecraft: Necronomicon, p. 233
This is just Lovecraft's not-so-subtle way of saying "I'm a better horror writer than Edar Allan Poe".
What a pompous ass.
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Why I stopped ordering food delivery:
Modest Meal..... $14.99
Drink.... $3.43
"I will enjoy the Modest Meal and a drink." 😇
Bill:
Modest Meal $14.99
Drink. $3.43
Tax $2.80
Service Fee $5.35
Fee ... $2.80
Area Charge ... $6.90
Delivery ... $4.80
Just Go With It Fee $3.04
Movement Charge? ...$2.94
Delivery Fee... $2.80
Snakes ..$2.34
Vendor Notion $2.80
Just Because Fee $4.81
Ghost Removal $6.03
Vibes ... $1.03
Fee Tax $6.30
Total: 65.56
Tax Again For Some Reason: 11.62
True Total: 77.19 😲
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I kind of stole this joke from someone who posted it as an image without a description, but I changed it up.
I *would* have just boosted that post, but the image wasn't described and as I started to write alt text I thought of some changes to make... so the moral is if you wanna get boosted include the alt text!
yeah by the time i finish preparing the alt text it becomes infinitely easier to just post that instead
saves everyone's bandwidth too
LLMs are not intelligent but they ARE good for spouting extruded text that mimics the zeitgeist of their training data and if that training data includes the overflowing sewer that is the unfiltered internet you're going to get gaslighting, lies, conspiracy theories, and malice. Guardrails only prevent some of it from spilling over.
Humans base their norms on their peers' opinions, so LLMs potentially normalize all sorts of horrors in discourse—probably including ones we haven't glimpsed yet.
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Some AI lobbying takes the form of cheating out wins in competitions.
fortune.com/2025/01/21/eye-on-…
decrypt.co/302691/did-openai-c…
the-decoder.com/openai-claims-…
theatlantic.com/technology/arc…
techrepublic.com/article/news-…
We’re Entering Uncharted Territory for Math
Terence Tao, the world’s greatest living mathematician, has a vision for AI.Matteo Wong (The Atlantic)
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@Charlie Stross A million times this.
Are there very narrow areas where AI can be useful? Probably, but easily 99.9% of the stuff it's being shoehorned into, AI ought never to be trusted with.
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I think it’s dope af that plants take air and turn it into solid material
why aren’t more people awestruck that this shit happens all the time?
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It's any unnamed vegetable oil that you would use to make a salad dressing; the key characteristic is that it doesn't have much flavor. It's often sold as a mix of whatever's reasonably cheap: soybean, canola, peanut, and in some cases, cottonseed.
You can substitute whatever you like, especially if you think the recipe would improve with avocado or olive oil.
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I'm sure it's a product of its time, but good God there are some racist passages in this book.
(comment on Necronomicon)
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Bank machines have business hours now? How is that a thing?
Are the machines that are replacing us demanding better working conditions now? 🙃
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🐓 I live next door to 18 chickens now. Therefore, be aware that a Chicken Report could happen at any time during Dubious Goals Committee. 🐔
Also simf. Simf can happen at any time during DGC. 🎹 🎵
Dubious Goals Committee airs EVERY single day at 19:30 UTC! 🕢 That's:
3:30 pm Eastern (North America)
2:30 pm Central
12:30 pm Pacific
21:30 St. Pauli (Hamburg) ☠️
16:30 Tierra del Fuego (ARG)
#radio, #anonradio, #sdf, #synth, #tob, #livestream,
Listen here: anonradio.net/
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I need to request that *all* programmers remember that some of us are visually impaired and need to be able to edit the actual tar out of the font sizes for your menus, main bodies of your programs, etc. We need font resizing options, bolding options, color options, and font type options. For everything. If it's text, it needs to be able to be redone by the user. Also, that needs to be on a "global" and then a "per pane" basis, including the main area a person is working in.
Complaint trigger: All these M'Fkn' "Media Players" that are written for dinky little smart phones that no one over the age of 45 or 50 can even read hardly at all. I don't care that most of the people who download these things are around 12 to 25 years old. Some of us need to use these things in order to start or operate businesses and are *real grown ups.* We need these things but when we can't read them, they're useless to us.
Please fix this in every application on this planet. Thanks.
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For the Androids amongst us:
f-droid.org/packages/me.zhangh…
f-droid.org/packages/com.trian…
Untracker | F-Droid - Free and Open Source Android App Repository
Remove tracking information before sharing linksf-droid.org
Mind Shambles
in reply to Kevin Davy • • •Kevin Davy reshared this.
Kevin Davy
in reply to Mind Shambles • • •Brett
in reply to Kevin Davy • • •@Aspiedan
I went the other direction. I obsessively practiced in the mirror growing up so I’d know what different facial expressions felt like enough that I could replicate them by feel and include them in my scripts.
I don’t know if it’s any better or worse. I have no identity. Through my incredibly exhaustive observation of body language and emotional responses I build my scripts and alter my personality to fit the situation and people I am interacting with.
It’s not only exhausting for me but manipulative and prevents me from connecting with anyone at any level. This is way beyond code switching.
Kevin Davy
in reply to Brett • • •This could almost be one of the most harmful ways of masking. It's exhausting and stressful and also leaves you wondering what, if anything, lies beneath it any more. It's also hard to get out of the habit of doing it, once you've been doing it for long enough.
Brett
in reply to Kevin Davy • • •@Aspiedan
In my experience it’s impossible to stop. It has left me completely alone now in middle age which I honestly don’t see a way out of.
I truly don’t have an identity of my own. I simply have a set of well rehearsed masks based on people I observed growing up. In any interaction I absorb the emotions and body language of everyone present and I adapt the persona I feel is the most suitable at the time.
Kevin Davy
in reply to Brett • • •I do this too. Read the room, adjust accordingly. The difference, for me, was that what I'm adjusting was based on myself. I took, sometimes exaggerated, sometimes emphasised, the aspects of myself that others seemed to like and accept. My intellect, humour, or just simply the ability to get on with people that I seem to have. I try not to do this as much now and I do wonder what the real balance of myself looks like. It is something I am still working on.
Perhaps, without realising it, you did something similar. Perhaps, what you worked on in the mirror, was shaping yourself as much as anything. Like me, perhaps what you really need, is to find the right balance.
Dusty
in reply to Kevin Davy • • •"The Dangers of Missing a Sense of Self":
youtube.com/watch?v=hfqEqIgBYO…
- YouTube
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<undef>
in reply to Brett • • •@bflipp @Aspiedan This hits close to home. The first diagnosis I got after I hopped into the mental health bingo this time, almost ten years ago now, was a bogus "unspecified identity disorder". But for all the whacky reasoning he had, I guess in the end he was onto something.
I also don't really feel like I have an identity. I have a personality, but not identity. I also didn't really have a chance to observe and practice things growing up with real people, so a lot of my personas were or I guess still are adapted from television and movies. And I can tell ya, real life isn't anything like an US sitcom...
Elischeva
in reply to <undef> • • •I found something like an Identity only in recent years. The problem with it is: I don't fit neatly in the social categories offered to me. What's, if you belong to multiple seamingly mutually exclusive categories and have an additional layer on top? And many people don't know such people with such complex identities can exist and can't handle this.
Looking for explanations…
in reply to Brett • • •@bflipp @Aspiedan
Oh…
I wouldn’t say I was obsessive, but I certainly lost my sense of self. When I heard the “fake it ‘til you make it” mantra at a professional development thing for teachers, I knew I’d been doing that my whole life.
As an aside, some of the teachers at the school made a video satirising the concept a few months later.
Silver Arrows
in reply to Mind Shambles • • •@Aspiedan I used to depersonalise easily when I saw my reflection, but not all the time. But enough to be significant. Logically I'd know it's me, but I'd feel a disconnect. Strangely, it doesn't happen as much recently. I can even make eye contact with my reflection these days without freaking out.
The exception being when I'm at work. If I catch my reflection in a mirror, or on a shiny bolt when I'm working on a bike, I flinch and have to look away. It just freaks me out. That might be the disconnect between masking and seeing who I am.
This kind of thing is a known trait of #schizoid, is it also common among other neurodivergences? I don't remember seeing depersonalisation as autistic/ADHD trait.
Kevin Davy
in reply to Silver Arrows • • •I don't know how common it is. But, I suspect it's one of those things where it is difficult to tell if it is the autism, or trauma, or something else. We tend to be quite intersectional beasties.
Bernie Isn't In Epstein Files
in reply to Silver Arrows • • •V'ger
in reply to Kevin Davy • • •Very well said. I've felt like that for a major part of my life. The first time I noticed that something must be really off and it's not just "me being whiny", was when I opened up to my former wife about how hard just about everything feels for me and that I just feel exhausted. She basically replied with: "I don't believe you, I don't see that."
I felt absolutely devastated but at the same time thought, how good must I be in hiding my problems? This isn't right. It took several more years from that point to find out that I'm autistic.
Kevin Davy
in reply to V'ger • • •Janeishly
in reply to V'ger • • •V'ger
in reply to Janeishly • • •Once I got the diagnosis, I came out to a colleague and his first response was: "But do you really feel that diagnosis? Because I talked alot with people about autism, and ..."
Luckily our conversation was interrupted at that point.
Dziadek
in reply to V'ger • • •@vger @janeishly
Other people, eh? With their “you don’t look” or “seem” or “behave” like an autistic. I had it with my alcoholism too.
You don’t ever hear this exchange, do you?
Person: I’ve just been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. That was a bit of a blow, I can tell you.
Idiot: Well, you don’t look like you have cancer. Are you sure it’s not an infection.
But when it’s a mental or behavioural issue, out they come with their resistance to the problem.
Jeffrey Haas
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Kevin Davy
in reply to Jeffrey Haas • • •Indeed. For many of us, the reality of what is really us and what isn't is, difficult.
Murdoc Addams 🧛🏻 🇨🇦
in reply to Kevin Davy • • •I don't know if you've had occasion or inclination to read my posts* about the ttrpg vampire clan Malkavian or not (about how I think they were meant to represent neurodivergence), but what you said about the mirror reminded me of it. This is because their clan symbol is a broken mirror. The reason is because the mirror is supposed to represent your self-image. But it's just an image, an illusion, there's nothing behind the mirror. So Malkavian wisdom says that in order to progress in life, you have to break the mirror, i.e. destroy your self image because it is holding you back from realizing and becoming who you really are. A truism I think for everyone, but it seems to be yet another way Malkavians make a good representation of neurodivergence.
*For reference: autistics.life/@murdoc/1144288…
Murdoc Addams 🧛🏻 🇨🇦
2025-04-30 20:30:10
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Kevin Davy
in reply to Murdoc Addams 🧛🏻 🇨🇦 • • •Yes, I have seen your posts. Although I do not play games, there does seem an echo there. The mirrors we hold up to ourselves and try to see ourselves in, so seldom represent the truth. So indeed, we have to break them, before we can even begin to do so.
Jonathan Lamothe
in reply to Kevin Davy • •@Kevin Davy
This right here. This has wreaked so much havoc in my brain over the years. The only conclusion I could draw was that I was somehow defective.
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Kevin Davy
in reply to Jonathan Lamothe • • •Same. The only logical conclusion was always that I was broken and in my shame to hide that fact.