A while ago I asked a question of the #ActuallyAutistic and #ADHD communities on my old Fosstodon account and got some pretty good feedback, so now that I'm back in my regular fedi home, I figured I'd do so again (as before, boosts welcome).
I find that when something is stressing me out, I'll obsess over it until I've either solved the problem or it overwhelms me to a point where I need to completely disengage (at least for a time). Often when this happens, loved ones will notice my distress and try to help in the form of asking questions or making suggestions. The problem is that if I'm in problem-solving mode it derails my train of thought, and if I'm in "disengage" mode it prevents me from... well, disengaging.
This frequently results in me responding in ways that are... unpleasant for all persons involved. I've identified this as a problem and am trying to find better ways of handling such situations, but it's easier said than done. Has anyone else experienced this? Are there any good strategies for dealing with it?
I think just explain this to them, give yourself a ‘safe word’ with them that when the situation arises you can use it like a rain check…you’ll get back to them later…that the best way to help is to let you be.
@Jo Jitsu I've done this to some extent. I like the idea of the safe word though. I just wonder if I can have the presence of mind to use it before I react in a negative way. I imagine that will take some practice, but it's not like I was looking for a "quick fix" in the first place.
@Kevin Davy My partner and I have been through a lot together. We've gotten good at talking things out. It was actually with her help that I was able to work out more precisely why I was getting so seemingly irrationally upset.
Is it possible to talk to your loved ones in a moment you’re not stressed and tell them about how you feel? I guess they feel helpless if they can’t do anything but maybe they are able to understand what you need in those moments is validation and understanding and not suggestions and solutions? I’m sometimes telling my people in those moments I only need comfort, not solutions and it seems to work so far.
Is there a particular relational or sensory context that makes it more likely to respond in this way, besides what you've described in the post? Is it more often a reaction to a specific person's trying to help or is that also how you feel when something inter
rupts you while your are by yourself or among strangers? Other than factual mental states (e.g. "don't they see I'm trying to think/relax here"), what might it be that the other person is seeing and you are trying to ignore (and vice versa)?
@loose cannon I hadn't considered that, nor in fact did I realize it was a thing to consider.
The most recent example was when this server failed. It's actually what prompted me to start asking. In addition to being a fedi server, it also runs a bunch of other services I depend on: calendar, file synchronization, contacts, to-do list, etc. All stuff I use to make navigating everyday life possible. Took me four days to fix (should've taken two, but I had to keep taking mental health breaks).
This was an extreme example, but it usually happens when something disrupts my regular routine, like losing my phone or keys.
@loose cannon further answer to your question. Fortunately, it usually happens at home, partly because that's where I just usually am in general, and because that's where 99% of my routines that can be disrupted exist.
Home is a very specific environment. The need for home is the need to have things comfortably under control.
For you this means fixing disruptions as they arise. For some people else it can mean maintaining continuity in the face of any disruption, etc. In principle, I can see their point - after all, the truly tragic things in life are the ones that *can't* be fixed even by exuberant effort.
But let's say there's an important logistical disruption that needs fixing, that is completely up to you, and someone comes along to disrupts that while ostensibly trying to help? Yeah that can be pretty annoying.
Sometimes people perform "trying to help" as a form of commiseration, because they need to signal that even if they can't find the keys or fix the server, they are there for you and can help with other things.
You gotta be like "nah I've got this" in return for their sympathy, no matter how uncomfortable the ongoing disruptions make you feel. Otherwise you risk coming across as doubting their sincere desire to help. And then all their anxieties come out of the woodwork, causing them to prompt you with increasingly inane (from your pov) and disrupting stimuli until your reaction (or lack of one) stabilizes their self-image
If the disrupting party is reasonable and well-intentioned, I believe it is right to expect that being mindful of your states, once made aware of them, should cost them no great effort. Should be possible to casually talk out
I either get super hyper-focused on one project, to the detriment of other things (like eating and sleeping) or I'm so scattered between twenty things that I don't get anything meaningful accomplished on any of them.
Jo Jitsu
in reply to Jonathan Lamothe • • •Content warning: ADHD (possible AuDHD) experience: seeking input (also long-ish)
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Jonathan Lamothe
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Kevin Davy
in reply to Jonathan Lamothe • • •Content warning: ADHD (possible AuDHD) experience: seeking input (also long-ish)
Jonathan Lamothe
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@Kevin Davy My partner and I have been through a lot together. We've gotten good at talking things out. It was actually with her help that I was able to work out more precisely why I was getting so seemingly irrationally upset.
Now I'm just working out what to do about it.
like this
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Kevin Davy
in reply to Jonathan Lamothe • • •Content warning: ADHD (possible AuDHD) experience: seeking input (also long-ish)
Zoi und Einhorn
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F4GRX Sébastien
in reply to Jonathan Lamothe • • •Content warning: ADHD (possible AuDHD) experience: seeking input (also long-ish)
Cali Spera
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I have no solutions
The idea would be if your loved ones were aware of what adhd is
I can say that I disengage too
And it's not negotiable
loose cannon
in reply to Jonathan Lamothe • • •Content warning: ADHD (possible AuDHD) experience: seeking input (also long-ish)
loose cannon
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loose cannon
in reply to loose cannon • • •Content warning: ADHD (possible AuDHD) experience: seeking input (also long-ish)
Jonathan Lamothe
in reply to loose cannon • •Content warning: ADHD (possible AuDHD) experience: seeking input (also long-ish)
@loose cannon I hadn't considered that, nor in fact did I realize it was a thing to consider.
The most recent example was when this server failed. It's actually what prompted me to start asking. In addition to being a fedi server, it also runs a bunch of other services I depend on: calendar, file synchronization, contacts, to-do list, etc. All stuff I use to make navigating everyday life possible. Took me four days to fix (should've taken two, but I had to keep taking mental health breaks).
This was an extreme example, but it usually happens when something disrupts my regular routine, like losing my phone or keys.
Jonathan Lamothe
in reply to Jonathan Lamothe • •Content warning: ADHD (possible AuDHD) experience: seeking input (also long-ish)
loose cannon
in reply to Jonathan Lamothe • • •Content warning: ADHD (possible AuDHD) experience: seeking input (also long-ish)
Home is a very specific environment. The need for home is the need to have things comfortably under control.
For you this means fixing disruptions as they arise. For some people else it can mean maintaining continuity in the face of any disruption, etc. In principle, I can see their point - after all, the truly tragic things in life are the ones that *can't* be fixed even by exuberant effort.
loose cannon
in reply to loose cannon • • •Content warning: ADHD (possible AuDHD) experience: seeking input (also long-ish)
But let's say there's an important logistical disruption that needs fixing, that is completely up to you, and someone comes along to disrupts that while ostensibly trying to help? Yeah that can be pretty annoying.
Sometimes people perform "trying to help" as a form of commiseration, because they need to signal that even if they can't find the keys or fix the server, they are there for you and can help with other things.
loose cannon
in reply to loose cannon • • •Content warning: ADHD (possible AuDHD) experience: seeking input (also long-ish)
loose cannon
in reply to loose cannon • • •Content warning: ADHD (possible AuDHD) experience: seeking input (also long-ish)
Jonathan Lamothe
in reply to loose cannon • •Content warning: ADHD (possible AuDHD) experience: seeking input (also long-ish)
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